Firefly / Serenity Classic Quotes

Cancelling Firefly has got to be close to the biggest mistake US TV executives have made considering some of the rubbish that has been funded for season after season. If you haven’t seen it buy the DVD of the series than watch the film. Then get cross because those 14 hours or so are all there will probably ever be.

WASH: "Yeah well, if she doesn't give us some extra flow from the engine room to offset the burn through, this landing is gonna get pretty interesting."
MAL: "Define interesting."
WASH: "Oh god oh god we're all gonna die?"
MAL: "This is the captain. We have a...little problem with our engine sequence, so we may experience some slight turbulence and then...explode."

MAL: "Doctor, I'm taking your sister under my protection here. If anything happens to her, anything at all, I swear to you, I will get very choked up. Honestly, there could be tears."

JAYNE: "I'll kill a man in a fair fight. Or if I think he's gonna start a fair fight. Or if he bothers me. Or if there's a woman. Or if I'm gettin' paid. Mostly when I'm gettin' paid."

MAL: "Zoe, ship is yours. Remember: if anything happens to me, if you don't hear from me within the hour, you take the ship -- and you come and you rescue me."
ZOE: "What? Risk my ship?"

MAL: "You wanna run this ship?!"
JAYNE: "Yes!"
MAL: "Well y-...you can't!"

JAYNE: "Testing, testing. Captain, can you hear me?"
MAL: "I'm standing right here."
JAYNE: "You're coming through good and loud."
MAL: " 'Cause I'm standing right here."

JAYNE: "Do you know what the chain of command is here? It's the chain I go get and beat you with to show you who's in command."

ZOE: "Proximity alert. Must be coming up on something."
WASH: "Oh my god. What can it be? We're all doomed! Who's flying this thing!? Oh right, that would be me. Back to work."

WASH: (alarm sounding from the console) "Closing in."
ZOE: "Planet's coming up a mite fast."
WASH: "That's just ‘cause I'm going down too quick. Likely crash and kill us all."
MAL: "Well, that happens, let me know."

KAYLEE: "Well, we're headed for help... right?"
ZOE: "Captain will come up with a plan."
KAYLEE: "That's good. Right?"
ZOE: "Possibly you're not recalling some of his previous plans."

BOOK: "If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater."

JAYNE: "So does this!" (caresses the gun lovingly) "I call it Vera."
MAL: "Well, my days of taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle."

MAL: "Fei-oo? Okay, she won't be winning any beauty contests anytime soon. But she's solid. Ship like this, be with ya 'til the day you die."
ZOE: "Cause it's a deathtrap."

ZOE: "Preacher, don't the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killing?
BOOK: "Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps."

ZOE: "Scared her away again, did you?"
SIMON: "This may come as a shock, but I'm actually not very good at talking to girls."
ZOE: "Why, is there someone you are good at talking to?"

WASH: "Little River just gets more colorful by the moment. What'll she do next?"
ZOE: "Either blow us all up or rub soup in our hair. It's a toss-up."
WASH: "I hope she does the soup thing. It's always a hoot, and we don't all die from it."

A singing parent's frustration

I now have my own children so increasingly these phrases I once heard are now coming back out of my own mouth. Apologies to my children but some things are compulsory for parents to say even if we promised ourselves we never would. This woman does a fantastic job of singing by the way...

Are you ready for children?

This was posted by a colleague on a work website and he found it elsewhere on the net. Worth sharing and so so true.

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

Test 1 - Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.


Test 2 - Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.


Test 3 - Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.


Test 4 - Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.


Test 5 - Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.


Test 6 - Going For a Walk

Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.


Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.


Test 8 - Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.


Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.


Test 10 - TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.


Test 11 - Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.


Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.


Test 13 - Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.


Test 14 - Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children.

Roasted red pepper soup

You will need:

8 red peppers, halved and de-seeded
1 tbsp olive oil
2 onions, sliced
1 large potato, diced
1 garlic clove, chopped
400g can chopped tomatoes
3 tbsp tomato purée
2 litres of vegetable stock
Freshly ground black pepper

Baking tray large enough for 8 peppers when halved
Food processor
Deep saucepan or wok (to contain over 2 litres of fluid)


• Preheat the grill to high
• Place the peppers skin side up on to a baking sheet and char under the grill until the skin is blackened which takes about 10 minutes
• Remove from the heat and place in a plastic bag for 10 minutes, then remove and discard the skin and slice the flesh
• Meanwhile, heat the oil in a large pan and fry the onion and garlic for 4-5 minutes until softened
• Add the potato and fry for a further minute
• Add the tomatoes, tomato purée, red peppers, and vegetable stock
• Bring to the boil, cover and simmer for 12-15 minutes, until the potatoes are tender
• Transfer to a food processor or blender and blend until smooth (remember that food processors are not usually water-tight so either use a massive one or use an upright ‘smoothie’ maker attachment)
• Season well with black pepper.
• Divide the soup among 6 bowls and serve

Very nice recipe the only real work is skinning the peppers which can take about 5-10 minutes but this is time well spent and makes a delicious, warming winter soup. I think I got the recipe from the BBC website originally but not certain. The good thing is the ingredients for the most part are all store cupboard staples.

Red Dwarf Classic Moments

Red Dwarf has got to contain some of the funniest moments in British Sit-Coms from recent years. These are just some of the classic laugh-out-loud moments. And although some of the latter seasons weren't quite up to Seasons 4-6 there were always some treasures scattered through every episode.

RIMMER: I don't loathe myself. What is there one could possibly loathe about me?
KRYTEN: Would you like the list sir?
RIMMER: What list?!
KRYTEN: Well, there was the fact you were despised by your parents for failing to achieve their standards. The fact your 3 brothers were all such high-flyers in the Space Corps and you ended up servicing chicken soup machines. There's your inability to form long term relationships with anyone, your cowardliness, your lack of charm, honour or grace and the awful knowledge that throughout your entire life nobody has ever truly liked you because you are so fundamentally unlikeable. (There is a short pause.)
RIMMER: Oh, that.
KRYTEN: Please don't interrupt, sir, I'm only half-way through my list.

RIMMER: Step up to red alert!
KRYTEN: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.

LISTER: There's got to be a way out. There hasn't been a prison built that could hold Derek Custer. Why don't we scrape away this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out, then using a rope weaved from strands of this hessian, rig up a kind of a pulley system so that when a guard comes in, using it as a trip wire, gets laid out, and we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords, and fight our way back to the 'bug.
KRYTEN: Or we could use the teleporter.

(While being attacked by their future selves)
KRYTEN: Their craft is greatly upgraded, we wouldn't stand a chance.
RIMMER: Then I say fight!
KRYTEN: Mr Rimmer?!
RIMMER: Better dead than smeg.

RIMMER: So what happens now? How... (sighs) how do I die?
CASSANDRA: Lister catches you making love to Kochanski and shoots you through the head with a harpoon gun.
RIMMER: Can you just double-check that?
CASSANDRA: I've seen it. It's what happens -- in the old laundry room.
RIMMER: So let me repeat what I think you're saying. Arnold, that's me, and Kochanski, that's the woman, the really attractive one you saw earlier; me and her are in bed giving it rizz, when Lister, that's the short dumpy one with the stupid haircut, walks in and shoots me through the head while I'm making love to Kochanski.
CASSANDRA: That is what's going to happen.
RIMMER: FANTASTIC!

LISTER: Hang on. These guys aren't Nazis -- they're all wearing different period costumes. There's one looks like Al Capone, there's another like Mussolini, Richard III, Napoleon. Smeg, it's like all the worst people in history have been brought together in one place. Oh my God, there's James Last! I recognize him from Rimmer's record collection.
CAT: What are they doing?
LISTER: Well, just lining up in ... in some kind of firing squad. Woah Woah! Hang on, hang on. Someone's being brought out, they're tying him to a stake. It's Winnie the Pooh.
CAT: What?
LISTER: Winnie the Pooh, I swear! He's refusing the blindfold.
Cat: They're tying Winnie the Pooh to a stake?
(Sound fx of gun shots. Lister looks shattered.)
LISTER: That's something no one should ever have to see.

BANKS: Banks to Enlightenment. Have arrived on the derelict. Confirm initial speculation: there is absolutely nothing of any value or intrigue here. It's one of the old class-2 ship-to-surface vessels -- the very model, in fact, that was withdrawn due to major flight design flaws. Crew: three. One series 4000 mechanoid, almost burnt out. Give it maybe three years. Nothing of salvageable value. Ah, felis sapiens, bred from the domestic housecat, and about half as smart. No value in future study of this species. What have we here? A human being, or a very close approximation. Chronological age: mid-20s, physical age: 47. Grossly overweight, unnecessarily ugly, otherwise would recommend it for the museum. Apart from that, of no value or interest.
LISTER: Lister to Red Dwarf. We have in our midst a complete smeg-pot. Brains in the anal region. Chin absent, presumed missing. Genitalia small and inoffensive. Of no value or interest.
BANKS: Banks to Enlightenment. Evidence of primitive humour. The human has knowledge of irony, satire, and imitation. With patient tuition could maybe master simple tasks.
LISTER: Lister to Red Dwarf. Displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble. Seems unable to grasp simple threats. With careful pummelling, could possibly be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw.
BANKS: Banks to Enlightenment. The human is under the delusion that he is somehow able to bestow physical violence to a hologram.
LISTER: Lister to Red Dwarf. The intruder seems to be blissfully unaware that we have a rather sturdy holowhip in the munitions cabinet. Unless he wants his derrière minced like burger-meat, he'd better be history in two seconds flat!
BANKS: Banks to Enlightenment. Re-con mission complete, transmit. With speed, Enlightenment, quickly please!

CAT: What, am I the only sane one here? Why don't we drop the defensive shields?
KRYTEN: A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws. One, we don't have any defensive shields; and two, we don't have any defensive shields. Now I realise that technically speaking that's only one flaw, but I thought it was such a big one, it was worth mentioning twice.

LISTER: D'ya think Wilma's sexy?
CAT: Wilma Flintstone?
LISTER: Maybe we've been alone in deep space too long, but every time I see that body, it drives me crazy. Is it me?
CAT: Well, I think in all probability, Wilma Flintstone is the most desirable woman that ever lived.
LISTER: That's good. I thought I was going strange.
CAT: She's incredible!
LISTER: What d'ya think of Betty?
CAT: Betty Rubble? Well, I would go with Betty... but I'd be thinking of Wilma.
LISTER: This is crazy. Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone?
CAT: You're right. We're nuts. This is an insane conversation.
LISTER: She'll never leave Fred, and we know it.

RIMMER: You call this happiness? Surrounded by toadying lackeys and paid sycophants? Living with a love-goddess sex-bomb model megastar? You call this contentment? You know, I stand here now and I look at the two of us, and I ask one simple question: Who is the rich man? You, with your fifty-eight houses, your private island in the Bahamas, your multi-billion pound business empire; or me, with... with... with what, I've got. (Pause) It's you isn't it? Yes it's all very clear to me now. You - richer and happier.
GILBERT: This way, sir.
RIMMER: I should have thought a bit harder about that speech, really. I cocked it up a bit, didn't I?

Dear Mr. Brown - About my GP

I am not a GP but this needs publishing in support of our excellent primary care service in the UK.

Dear Mr Brown,

I understand that under the Freedom Of Information Act I am entitled to information held by Public Bodies.

Please tell me what percentage of patients were satisfied with the access to their GP's in the survey you spent millions of pounds of my money conducting.
(Is the answer 84%?)

Please also tell me how much the NHS pays my GP surgery for a years care (Including the wages for the doctors, nurses, HCA's, Receptionists, Secretaries, Practce Managers as well as the premises, the lighting heating and so on). Please divide that figure by the number of patients registered there.
(Is the answer under a £100?)

Could you tell me how much of my money you have used to bail out Northern Rock ?
(Is the answer really £2000?)

Could you tell me how many years you could have paid for my GP service for if you had not chosen to prop up this private company with my cash?
(Is the answer TWENTY YEARS Mr Brown?)

Thanks for letting me know Mr Brown.

Yours sincerely,

A Patient

PS - Could you let me know where I can find an NHS Dentist in my area, please?

Thanks for letting me know the answer to these questions.

Annexing the British Isles as part of the USA

The Supreme Court of Florida has instructed me to post the following to ensure strict balance in these turbulent times.

Declaration of annexing the British Isles as part of the USA

To the imperialist British colonizers.

In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in the first place. You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".

2. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.

3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.

4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be 'good guys'.

5. You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.

6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.

7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers" they are "teasers".

8. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is properly called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".

9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.

10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.

11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children after interesting medical conditions.

12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).

Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.
This was written in response to this post The Revocation of the Independence of the USA